User Profile

I can't stand writing these things, I feel like I should hire a biographer to follow me around so I don't have to talk about myself. What words would said biographer possibly use?
John Keyser grew up in various cities on the East Coast with his father before attaining a long time residence in Georgia, where he attended a laughably inept public high school, and a small intellectual private college, where he achieved his sense of individuality that would be the basis for all he will ever believe. He is prone to heavy drinking, chain smoking, reading, and yelling at Hawaiian drivers, who he believes are too illiterae to read read signs with four letters. He joined the U.S. Navy for some reason, and soon after got married to a woman who seemed able to put up with his selfishness (on most occasions). His only wish is to be remembered someday as a man who would liked to have helped the masses of unemployed who sucked money from his paycheck like a vacuum, but felt that they were already helping themselves to his cash, via the federal government.